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Now, I have to look at the overall picture of who is Rochelle today, what does she need to sustain, and how do I help her to achieve her goal of being 60 pounds lighter, 12 inches slimmer in the waist, with smaller arms and thighs, while nourishing her with love, self esteem and appropriate caloric intake?

The first thing to do is to remind myself that I am a soul struggling to be human. This means I have to find my place in the world, by establishing what my needs are at this time. So, I have to look at the places on my body that seem to be having the hardest time. I started with my biceps. Louise Hay is a well-known healer, who has written several books outlining where our physical and mental dis-ease stems from, and how to turn it into ease , as we positively look at the cause, and change the way we approach our personal issues.

Heal Your Body has been a saving grace for thousands over the years. I turn to p.33, where she discusses fat in general. Oversensitivity. Often represents fear and a need to show protection. Fear may be a cover for anger an a resistence to forgive. I start with arms – anger at being denied love. Tell yourself, “It is safe for me to create all of the love I want.” Next I want to address belly fat. Anger at being denied nourishment. “I nourish myself with spiritual food and I am satisfied and free”. Thighs – Packed childhood anger. Often rage at the father. “I see my father as a loveless child and I forgive easily. We are both free.”

Whew. That’s heavy. Literally.

I have to stop and think, at this point, how my inner child is doing things to keep me overweight. I want to make a list of what I have been noticing about my eating disorder, as it is now in the forefront of my attention. I sort of knew it was there, but my mentor brought it up two weeks ago, and I’ve decided to really ‘get it’ this time.

I learned years ago that I was not allowed to be angry, or to express my views. If  I cried, I was smacked in the face and told, “I will give you something to cry about”. I was sexually abused, but couldn’t discuss it, so I learned to eat when I was angry, as it pushed down my need to cry out, to speak my truth. I couldn’t digest or process the repeated trauma, so my digestive tract began to deteriorate, and the emotional upset began to be internalized down in the bowels, which started the digestive issues.

I wasn’t held alot as a child, and was often left to myself. I have very few memories of being held, cuddled or given positive contact. The only time I was comforted was when I was sick, which was often, due to being allergic to cigarette smoke in the home, as well as sensitivities to both gluten and casein, which was in all of my food. I was left at home by myself even in the early stages of childhood, and would often have high fevers, with a huge outpouring of congestion. It was very miserable during these times, and I was rarely comforted, except to be rocked when I had ear aches.

My mother was always big on nutrition to the point of obsession, and we never had sodas or sweet foods in the house. My dad would sneak off with me and we would get Twinkies and a coke, or chips, and I learned that it was OK to sneak food. It was a replacement for affection and intimacy.

I can accept these things, and know that I must talk to, nurture, sometimes rock and most importantly, listen to my inner children let their stories out for the first time. I must keep a journal and let her write in my right hand, which is hard for a lefty, so that she is slow and precise, and gets all of her thoughts out. It also clearly shows a piece of myself that was young, small and vulnerable, as it will be hard to read. Sometimes I can’t bear to let her speak about the ‘bad’ things, but I apologize and tell her that I love her, will always be there for her, and I will sit down again to give her another chance to write. So, we breathe,  and we learn. No one is perfect here. But, I will love my flawed self.

Now that I’ve addressed how we distort our need to eat, let’s look at what I plan to eat now, and why.

I’ve never been an advocate of diet drinks, and I know that aspartame is horrible, but I am looking at this as a beginner. I know that if I deprive myself completely from the get-go, I will fail. I need to gradually alter what I ingest, and to be kind in the process. So, the Coca-Cola zero doesn’t seem to give me headaches. These bottles are 16.9 ounces, so a little smaller, too, and it is also a way for me to take the edge off of my sweet tooth. I can sip off this a little at a time when I feel like I’m starving, or just wanting the taste of something sweet.

I accept that this was trained in me for decades as a way to self-medicate, to replace the physical and emotional love I needed from my parents with something to placate that emptiness inside. I tell my little girl that I love her, and that losing weight is important, and that we will need to look for new ways to feel loved, like sticking to our exercise plan, hugging our kids a few more times each day, and finding nourishment is more healthy choices.

So, when I got up, a had a single cup of Voskos Greek Yogurt, honey vanilla flavor. Now, I know that plain is really the best, calorie wise, but I ‘m not quite ready to do that just yet. Ideally, I will start making my own yogurt from the two gallons of fresh, raw goat milk I co-op with, but I haven’t had time yet. This doesn’t mean I beat myself up mentally. Instead, I accept it for what it is, a gluten free product, (hard to find, even in dairy), no fat, 11 grams of protein, and only130 calories. Awesome! I have 16 ounces of coffee, my usual. From now on, though, I am going to start weaning myself to a cup of black.

From the usual four tablespoons of non-dairy, liquid, gourmet creamer, I cut it down to two. Sugar I reduce from two tablespoons to one. Let me share with you that creamer is poison. I know this, and as I deal with my issues of self-love, I will handle it. For today, I pride myself on knowing that I cut down 3 grams of fat, as well as cutting my intake of palm oil in half. I have cut trans fats out of a great deal of my life, but palm oil has also got to go. But, just like gluten, it’s in most everything. Palm oil is not as bad as trans fat, but it does have a high saturated fat content and affects blood sugar according to the WHO, and other such folks. The overuse of palm oil is also destroying the countries where they grow, such as Borneo, Sumatra and Malaysia. It is causing the reduction and destruction of much of our bio-diversity, in the plant and animal kingdom. One website says as much as six football fields a minute are being cleared. These are things I need to consider when making food choices, as each of us has the potential to make a difference. Here is some basic information on what companies are not using palm oil, http://www.orangutans.com.au/Orangutans-Survival-Information/Helping-you-buy-responsibly-Palm-oil-free-alternatives.aspx.

A few hours later, I was feeling hungry, so I tried an Atkins Milk Chocolate Delight Shake. Again, a homemade shake from the juicer would be ideal, but at the end of the month, as a single mom, I don’t have the money for a lot of fresh veggies. Studies have shown that obese people who have a more liquid style diet have a better chance at losing the beginning weight so crucial when one is starting out and in need of extreme calorie counting assistance. Not only that, but it is an easy way to keep yourself from stuffing if nothing is cooked. 15 grams of protein, 160 calories, and 2 g of net carbs.

Carb watching is so crucial, as well as eating a low glycemic diet.  Now, there are some crazy chemistry components going on in the ingredients, and yes, it uses whey, but this is short-term, remember. I have to jump start the weight loss or I am not going to last long. And, I can eat all of the fresh veggies I want, as well as some fruits.

I drink from a glass mason jar, quart size, so I can measure my water intake, which is crucial. You need to take in 8 ounces for every 10 pounds of weight. Holy crap! I will start with promising myself two to three quarts a day. I can do that. In between, I sip on the bottle of coke zero, which my son finishes off. Kids are a big help in this struggle, btw.

I know that cooking is a big struggle for me, as I am taste testing, sampling, and eating bites as my meals are homemade. To combat this, I peeled a huge pickling cucumber, and ate it plain. Cukes have tremendous health benefits, so eat as many as you can. Especially put it in pitchers of water, and also add to apple cider vinegar. Just google it to see why. Trust me, from weight loss, skin issues, to fighting cancer, cucumbers are awesome!

I ate 3 ounces of fresh, raw goat cheese, chevre that I made. I am still looking to find the nutrition on that, but understand that this has cream in it, but lots of protein, as well as tons of nutrients. There are also some probiotics that will help my ulcer, as well. And, according to Paleo, if you aren’t eating bread and starch, the fat isn’t such an issue. I will get back to you on the breakdown when I find it.

Dinner, or supper as we say in the south, was two bunches of broccoli with two pats of butter, some chicken bouillon broth to season, and pork medallions, each about five ounces each. I ended up eating only half of one medallion, and a lot of broccoli. That actually held me up until about 8 pm, and then I was starving. I thought I was doing a good thing, and sat down and ate a small jar of artichoke hearts, thinking, “This is healthy”. Then, I looked at the ingredients. 2 pieces are considered a serving, and there were 12 pieces. So, 18 grams of fat in a  6 ounce jar! I’ll have to be more careful, but it’s all a learning process.

Ce la vie!

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