, , , , ,

So, I went.                                                                 meadows

I drove; meandered, rather, down

several country roads and along a beautiful river.

Alongside wildflower patches decorated with the dancing bodies

of butterflies. Meadows lazed in the sun, dotted by the ponderous movement

of beef cattle.

What gorgeous countryside!

The gravel road, narrowing, all the while inching upward,

cooler now, with more trees along the way.

The hardwoods opened up to a huge meadow, like a valley, with a steep upward slope,

pointing to the sky.

The house looked forlorn and almost abandoned, the clapboard weathered, dull, perhaps not been painted in decades. Two lawnmowers rest  in choked grass, next to a big, green tractor.

I am breathing deeply, and taking this all in, as a healer. When we look at a potential mate, we must be very, very objective. It is crucial to our survival in the singles’ world.

As a woman, I have a tendency to brush aside the warnings of the higher self, because I was have an underlying fear of being alone, or not worthy of a man’s love. Therefore, I tend to sweep under the rug the warning signs that I need to run.

In this case, it is the overall unkempt nature of the place. The porch is scattered with random boxes, broken chairs, and just seemed uncared for. Then I hear the barking of dogs (not dog) coming from inside. I love animals, but don’t feel that they belong in the house to live. If you train your pet well, it will visit nicely, and then go back out, where it belongs. I am old-fashioned, and like cleanliness. If an animal is sick, or a baby, that’s different. Anyway, I allowed my curiosity to override the rest. The gorgeous scenery, the lifestyle of farming and living on the mountainside, having a man who would take care of me and be interested in my sustainable permaculture lifestyle seemed exciting.

He came out on the porch then, a skinny, wrinkled mountain man, a little shorter than me, and because his build was smaller, thinner than mine, I knew right away that I couldn’t really become attached romantically.

I can’t explain it, but for me to feel comfortable and satisfied, I need to have a man who is at least my build. I knew this was a lesson for me, the fact that I had come this far, so I wanted to see what it was all about.

We sat and talked, amidst layers of dust, dog hair, threadbare chairs, and cigarette smoke for over an hour. This was a place I thought could be good for my boys, with dogs in the house, a big fish pond, fifty acres of gorgeous mountain land, a quiet man  carrying a soul of kindness mixed with sadness and loneliness. He took for a long, meandering drive up the mountain on his tractor, a huge beast, and the views were spectacular. The land, so alive, with swaying grasses, pollinators everywhere, groups of trees separating sunny pastures, closed in with misty mountain tops dotted with downy clouds, could be a farm girl’s Paradise.

He stopped twice to light a cigarette, this mixture of man, stereotype, and soul, going all out to impress this country girl.

We came back inside and I had some tea he’d made, from spring water. I passed his bedroom and saw the king size bed. How easily I could’ve just gone right in, and laid down. God knows what would’ve happened, but my heart is so weary from holding myself up, and the four others who depend on me, that I feel sometimes if I lie in an empty bed another night, I won’t get up in the morning.

His need echoes my own, and the thoughts are swirling through my head, the possibilities, the what if’s, but I just drink my tea, stay a few more polite minutes, and then get to the car, with his voice floating along beside, an offer for me  to come back when I could stay longer.

Women give up so much when single, often turning to men whom we feel are stable, able, financially independent, and who can perhaps help us with our children because there is no one else. We don’t always make wise decisions because we are so weary, so without means to ‘do’, and just being isn’t enough.

I went home and thought about it all. A fifty year old man that had been left by a younger woman almost two years ago, his farm paid for, good at carpentry, willing to take care of me and my boys….but to what cost? I knew nothing about him, liked a somewhat different way of life, especially when it came to running my home, and I also have an 85 year old mother that I have to consider. I know nothing about this man and his true psyche, his shadow self, his issues. And, he knows nothing about mine.

When he called me later, with an invitation for sex, I knew I had to decline. It upset me, however, that I felt that way. If that had been a 30 year old with features that I am immediately attracted to, would I have been so shy? I’ve spent time looking over it in detail, and this is what I’ve decided.

– I refuse to give in to what matters to me (ie. pets living in the house, smoking inside, the desire to build a life with a younger man).

– I will not sell out my body and soul just to give in to the inner child who wants a daddy figure due to her own lack of one. I will just have to be stronger, and more responsible in taking care of my inner/authentic self. Creator will lead me to the perfect place for me. Once I’m ready.

– I cannot settle for less than a fulfilling, equal partnership. Otherwise, neither partner will ultimately be happy in the end.

– I have to trust in my Higher Self’s ability to care for me, and for a God who is bigger than me to keep me and mine safe and taken care of.