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I use driving time to think. Johnny Cash, Pink,
Linkin Park, Jason Aldean, AC/DC, Five Finger Death Punch and other greats
make it a little easier. I have been known to
go two or three hours in silent meditation, but
this was a -I-need-to-burn-up-a-few-neurons- kinda drive.
I need you to understand something. Really. I have read it before, more than once, but it never REALLY clicked for me until I got home from the date with the guy behind door #3.
Women base experience on other experiences, and categorize the experiences based on similar emotions. These files begin to fill up as we collect the emotions, thus building up different types of feelings that we internalize. This is our biggest downfall if we aren’t AWARE, but letting our damaged inner children drive the BIG PEOPLE BUS, (AKA the adult body).
Case in point – I have now experienced romantic situations of varying degrees with every sign in the zodiac, and feel that cancers and Capricorns, (maybe Sagittarius) men are the best match for my needs. (I promise I will write about this, eventually.) If another man comes along and sweeps me off of my feet, I will eat my words, but I doubt it.
I am going to see a man who is a cancer, and I know the traits that I LOVE are evident by the way he talks to me. Because he has a lot of these traits as my (ex) husband, I am experiencing feelings for this new man, C2 (Cancer man 2), which are really emotions and feelings that come from memories of my husband. I am letting these internalized feelings drive me to seek a relationship with a man for whom several Higher Self warning signs have gone off. C2 hasn’t actually done the actions yet that EARN my trust. I am trusting him based on my past internalized emotions.
We meet and warning signs are going off left and right throughout the date, but because he was able to elicit the emotions from my internal feeling bank, I was letting that take the place of objectivity.
For example, I just met him, and he kissed me like he knew me, with authority and ownership, and then he asked for the keys to my car. (Something my husband would’ve done.) This man hadn’t earned the right to do these things, but because of past experiences with similar EMOTIONS, I was connecting the dots, but making a really bad picture, because my objectivity was not also being consulted.
And so the night commenced, and my emotions were smitten. He pulled me close, made me feel safe, kissed and touched me so passionately I was ready to take off my clothes in the parking lot. But, I did have it together enough to know I had to go home. So, I did, but it was very hard to leave.
So, I’m driving, and my Higher self/referee sits in the front seat.
“Ro, let’s review. 1. He is either homeless or living in the Ramada Inn. 2. He does not have a vehicle. 3. He does not really have a job, but could be a volunteer fireman.3. He is on some type of disability/ex military pension but his mom is probably his power of attorney due to PTSD from tours in Afghanistan/Iraq. 4. Yes, at one time, he was fully in charge of his facilities, but life events have taken their toll, and his baggage is more than you could possibly carry, along with your own. Just because he makes you feel good does not mean he can give you what you need. You decide.” Then she left me alone with the highway lights and Pink consoling, “just because you burn doesn’t mean your gonna die, ya gotta get up and try, try, try…”
The information came in small bits and pieces now; the excuses for why he didn’t have his truck, why we couldn’t go to his house but he had to stay with his cousin at the Ramada for the night, why he didn’t have quite enough money for dinner, etc.etc. Using the Aware Self, I was able to objectively connect the dots, and the picture became clear. In time some of the excuses could have proven to be legit, I could nag and wheedle the truth out of him, but to what end? It was just too complicated of a mess for me to realistically handle, no matter how great the emotional response of my body to his. I know I have to walk away. Sigh.
During this past week, I closed my online account, because I was talking more to the men I was meeting as a counselor and spiritual advisor rather than date potential – helping with word choices on their profiles, getting them to take better pictures and getting rid of others, and just giving overall advice. Once I talk to a man with my therapist hat on, the hat stays on with that man. There’s no going back. I cannot be a lover and a therapist. And you shouldn’t either. (I can be a lover and a friend, but that’s a whole other blog, and a BIG difference.)
We, as women, connect the dots because it gives us richer experiences, and our emotional depth and internalization, when healthy, bonds us tighter and closer to our family and husbands.
However, if the body experiences abuse and ‘bad’ feelings from our male parental unit as a child, then we store those feelings in our men folders, and over time, we come to see that ‘picture’ as normal. When we do meet a ‘good’ man, the emotions he gives us are so different from that of the perpetrator, that we are frightened off. This is why we keep getting in bad relationships. Until you learn a new way to connect the dots, your picture will ALWAYS be distorted.
Stay with me, and we’ll look at how he views us, so we can make the picture stunning, even turn it into a beautiful painting of the two of you riding off into the sunset. Happy trails to you….