You’re on that first date. Finally, you get to meet.
Hopefully it is at a restaurant, arboretum, museum, jazz club
or some nice, well-lit public spot. You discuss beforehand what each other will be driving, so you can find each other in the parking lot.
Always meet in the parking lot.
Before you decide if you like “potential date”, (known forever after on this blog as PD), or even THINK about going to bed with PD, take a look at his/her CAR. Even better, get there BEFORE PD so you can see how he/she drives it.
That’s right. I said it.
Think about it.
You can find out anything you want to know about PD without even having to ask, if you will just take a few minutes to check out their ride. STALL if you have to. You may find enough incriminating evidence that you feel led to get back in your car. And, while you’re working on your AWARE self, I am giving you permission to do so if you feel frightened, uneasy, or creeped out but can’t put your finger on it when you meet. This is the easiest place to get away while you’re by your car. Hold your keys in your hand if you want to while being introduced. Women with low self esteem don’t feel they have the right to say no even when they get these gut feelings. The Crazy Spirit Chic says, “Run, Forest Run. I got your back. Get out!”
Let’s use my last crush for an example.
I pull up for a date with guy ‘A’. He drives a Chevy Avalanche. Expensive truck. It’s about four years old, and in pretty good condition. Some scratches. Tinted windows, and a permanent bed cover. I park close to him, and get out, chatting and checking out the interior while we hug. Fancy stereo, several fast food cups and other trash, lottery tickets, overhead light fixture dangling, random articles of clothes wrinkled and dirty, and some of those little packets of pain relievers like you buy in the gas station. I also notice he has volunteer EMS stickers in the windows, as well as the little lights those folks keep in their vehicle.
(Once you do a mental inventory, whether it’s good or bad, make a comment about it. Then, watch PD’s facial expressions, and really LISTEN to what PD says.)
“Good God, man, do you live in your truck?” I say while laughing gently, softening my expression while lightly touching his right shoulder. This is to show playfulness, not aggression. PD immediately begins apologizing repeatedly, (red flag number 1), making excuses for being too busy as an emergency responder, (red flag number 2), and then sheepishly opens the back of the truck and shows me all of fireman stuff – jaws of life, axes, stuff I can’t name – in a jumbled mess, along with some dirty towels (flag), a sleeping bag (flag), and work boots.
Crazy Spirit Chic, this really is crazy. Why are you telling me all of this shizzle?
Because, until you go back in time and find all of the little pieces of yourself that were stolen along the way to adulthood, you need some tools in your tool belt to help you protect yourself as you become AWARE. Until you are able to piece it back together into the new ‘Aware, Authentic you’, you will continue to second guess yourself, and this is why you keep getting hurt.
Yeah, why do I keep doing that?
Because, when you were born, you were perfect. You knew when you were hungry, tired, cold, needed comfort, a diaper changing, etc. As more and more of your needs weren’t met, you began to say to yourself, “Maybe I’m not hungry, maybe I’m not smart enough to know when I need changing, or to be held. I must not be tired, after all.” Even worse, as you get older, you decide that you aren’t worth being taken care of if your parentals (whomever was in charge of raising you), whom you love more than God, aren’t meeting your needs.
If your needs and feelings weren’t consistently mirrored by an unconditionally loving parent, it planted doubt in yourself. (This is hard work, my friend, so don’t get too worked up about it. Just sit with it, and let this information develop. If you think you’re ready to understand more before I get there, feel free to get any book by John Bradshaw, particularly Homecoming, or check out this link, http://www.depthpsychologyalliance.com/. We will get there, I promise.)
Back to A. We had a lovely, engaging dinner, in which he encouraged me to drink, and he did, as well, but didn’t become drunk. Afterwards we talked and talked, and ended the night with him shyly but sweetly kissing my hand. (I don’t usually make big displays on PDA on the first date, which keeps hot men on their toes because they expect us to fall all over them. Oh, did I mention he was hot?) He texted me all the way home, worrying about my facial expression as I left, would I see him soon, like tomorrow, blaa, blaa, blaa.
I was partially, but not fully AWARE at this point, but let’s see what the AWARE me sees now…
A is a Scorpio; he likes secrets, and to be hidden from view. Scorpios can get addicted easily, and this one was addicted to sex, prescription meds, alcohol and gambling(not much, right?). A also has very low self-esteem, is sloppy, homeless and sometimes living in his truck (unless you count his old bedroom at his parents’ fancy house). He is completely living as a false self, with no clue about who his authentic self even is. His parents had used this only child as the scapegoat his whole life, and he was covered in their toxic shame. (Not blaming parents in this post, but it has to be acknowledged, and we will discuss it in another post.)
Now, we could make a couple of excuses, maybe, but this guy was my age, and had been a fire chief in the past. Does it make sense that he would not take care of the department’s equipment? When he goes to a call, can he even get to the right tools in time?
Thank God I was pretty AWARE at this time, because even though I fell in love with his Higher Self (and hard), I was able to see the signs of toxic shame and break free of what could’ve been a very needy and sad relationship for me. I still cry for the good parts of him that I wanted to nurture. However, it is not my job (or yours) to ‘fix’ PD’s shizzle. If PD doesn’t value him/herself, there is NOTHING you can do. Walk away.
Again, this goes back to self-esteem. The lower your self-esteem, the more crap you are willing to take because you think you have to work hard to get a date, or that you aren’t good enough to be treated as a VIP. If PD doesn’t know how to take care of him/herself and his possessions, do you really expect him to treat you any better?
Women, if you think men aren’t paying attention to how you treat your cars, as well as how you drive them, you’d better think again. I don’t make this shizzle up. I get along much better with men overall, and they tell me about it. They make pre-judgements on how easy or challenging you will be to get in bed based on how you drive, as in rough or gentle on the car, how you keep it serviced, whether or not it is detailed, and what kind of crap they see in there.
When you have a junky mess with the kids’ stuff everywhere, it shows how unkempt and careless you are, as well as how you take on way too much stuff, and don’t take care of yourself. You come off as someone to use and lose. Every time I get out of the car, I carry in any and all trash from the school drive, and bring in all drink bottles. Start taking care of yourself, and you will feel better about yourself, and you will begin to demand respect.
If you don’t have a car, or you have one that is in bad shape due to your single status, borrow a friend’s, call a cab or rent a car for the night. This is for the first few dates, until you get to know someone’s true self. There are too many con artists out there, and stereotypes can cause a lot of problems.
Single moms are already a walking target, as people see us as weaker, less able, and many times, as trash. I’ve had a woman landlord treat me much worse than some men would. The more AWARE you are of your situation, the more tools you will develop to keep you are yours safe.
If PD doesn’t take care of his/her car, just how good will he/she take care of you?
There is NO exception to this, if you live in an area where having a car is expected, like the suburbs or in the mountains of Virginia. Places like NYC or Europe where everyone rides the tube or subway will be, but then we will look at if and what type of pets PD has, and how those pets are taken care of.