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I hear them, you know. I see them, too. forgiveness, angels, abortion, pro choice, pro life

Floating next to their unknowing mothers when I wait

on them in the restaurant, or sometimes clinging tightly to their mommy’s legs.

I even saw one in a picture once, nestled behind the heads of two living sons in my therapist’s framed picture by his desk.

This was at our third meeting, and I think he was afraid I was crazy because I was telling him about my work with seeing angels, demons; working with clients and connecting to their past loved ones and how it was affecting me. It was during this visit that I couldn’t control it anymore. When I see or hear something three times, I know I have to relay the message. No if, and’s or but’s. I will get sick. It’s in my soul contract. Just sayin’…

“Tell me about the little girl behind the older boy’s head, please, ” I ask quietly at the end of our session. I know the picture is at least four or five years old, and I am curious. I can read a great deal in the aura of the two boys, such as personality traits, worries, as well as the concern the little cherub girl has for the younger one, well, for both boys, actually.

Mr. Wool Suit looks perplexed as I point to the picture in question, and he walks over to pick it up.

“There’s no girl in this picture. Wait…how could you know?” He sort of stammers, and sits down, holding the frame in both hands now, the dust motes dancing from where he brushed the picture against the hounds’ tooth blazer.

“I told you, already. I see dead people. Your daughter it appears was never born, as she looks like a cherub, complete with little wings. She has stayed behind because she wanted to look over your boys as they were born. She worries about your older one there, because he tries too hard, and worries too much about grades and pleasing you. He watches very over-protectively over the younger boy because your wife is so worried about him, as he is more fragile and sensitive.

The older boy thinks he must protect your wife. Oh, and she also says to tell your wife it isn’t her fault. There was nothing she could do to save me. She didn’t drink too much. I decided to go. I felt I could do better work here, on this plane, to help my brothers. Please tell her that everything is fine….” and so it went, for at least another thirty minutes, as I channeled information about the living boys and the wife, and a little bit of info on the therapist, as well.

Let’s back up in time now, to 1998. I was a junior in high school, and a very hard worker. I had two jobs, was in marching band, and was in some honors courses. That same year I had sex for the first time with a guy I dated for a little while. I had a guy friend that I had known for about five years. We had kissed a couple of times, but that was about it. I saw him as my friend, only. Then, after I told him about the boyfriend episode, he asked me on a date.

I didn’t think anything about it, as we used to ride bikes together in middle school, and hang out sometimes. So, when he tried making out with me, I was surprised, and unprepared. I tried to get him to stop, but he was a varsity tackle. I was so new to the whole sex idea, and I saw him as a friend, and had been sexually abused when younger, so was very confused by the abuse of trust, and why he wouldn’t stop. After he was done, I was in shock. He took me home, and I didn’t know what to do. So, I did what most young girls do. Nothing.

When I was twenty, I was an alcoholic, in college on several scholarships, and working three different jobs while also in theater, and a sorority. I had never dealt with the incident, and was very out of control emotionally. So, when I ran into him again and he was coming on to me, in my unbalanced mind I thought that having consentual sex with him would help me to heal the pain. I had been through so many years of trauma that at that point that I was willing to do anything to get at least what had happened between he and I  to go away. This time I got pregnant.

I was terrified. Not only had the encounter been worse than I imagined, I was now carrying his seed. I wanted to die. He was a super intelligent guy, and had determined that he couldn’t “mess up” his medical career while finishing up at Tulane. He was going to get his dad to pay for an abortion. My dad had left when I was fifteen, and was spending his money on pedigree dogs and a ring for his new girlfriend. My mother was close to sixty at that point, and totally burned out from working herself to death because my dad never made any real money the whole time they were together. She made it clear she would do nothing to help me. So, I let the guy drive me to planned parenthood two weeks later.

Understand this, dear reader. I walk in two worlds, and am therefore, pro-life and pro-choice. I feel that every woman has to make her own decisions based on what she can live with as her karmic debt, as well as what she wrote up in her soul contracts before being born into this plane.

That being said, I do not understand how in the world a woman can survive one abortion, and ever have another. When you agree to have sex with a man, you are both fully aware that there is a good chance that sperm and egg will connect. You are therefore making a conscious decision to take that risk.

However, because I also understand the damaged inner child, toxic shame, and loss of the authentic self due to years of trauma and abuse, I can see,too, why women take drugs or get drunk and have casual, unprotected sex. If you do not value yourself because of this history, it is impossible to love or truly value another, as I have stated in previous posts. That is why I am being so transparent and working so hard to reach people, because once you experience an objective, unconditionally loving other and begin to see how that person values you, then you can open your heart to grieving the lost parts of yourself, and bring them back to wholeness, and become AWARE, and unconditionally love yourself, and then others.

I know that people think being psychic is ‘cool’, and many wish they could be clairaudient/sentient/voyant, etc., but it is every bit a curse as it is a gift. As a volunteer lady was standing by me I was squeezing her hands, while my eyes were screwed tightly shut, and I wanted to scream, and then die. I could feel them tearing my child from my insides. I could hear the baby screaming in my womb. If anyone tells you this is not murder, they are wrong.

I was driven to an empty apartment, and left there. I hoped, to die. But, I lived. Not long after that, I was introduced to energy work and massage, as well as Native American spirituality and other forms of complementary medicine by the manager of my restaurant job.  New ways to view the world opened for me, and I found my path to wholeness, and being aware.

Two more times this little girl tried to enter the world through me. Both early pregnancies ended in miscarriages. During this twenty year time period, she has come and gone, talking to me and sharing things about myself. She told me that she forgave what I had done to her the first time, and that it was part of her contract to only come back in this life to a family full of love. Both suitors had rejected the idea of having a child with me; one was my first husband, and the last my unaware twin flame, and both would have been horrible mates to have been tied down with in their state at those times. These were blessings, although I didn’t see it at those times.

You see, we can never really know the jobs or duties of another soul. There is no way to place judgement, be hurtful or make decisions on things that we know nothing about. It was the karma of this child to come into a loving, stable family, not the situations my karma was dictating to me. If I had made better choices, I guess you could say, I would not have been in those predicaments.

However, the lessons of suffering, love, the need to make decisions and live with the choices were all on my agenda for this lifetime. Life events like this keep me humble, extend my empathy to other women in similar situations, and increase my awareness about the human condition. Also, if given another opportunity to create a child one last time before it’s too late, I would treasure that life like a gold mine.

forgiveness, love, relationships, spirituality

You can find peace. work, by Daniel Holeman, with permission

There is no right or wrong here, only choices to be made. And consequences, as well as the opportunity for forgiveness, and peace. If you want it.


Fire Eater