authenticity, calm, catch a man, choices, dating, empowerment, health, holding on, intuitive, marriage advice, online dating, relationships, self esteem, self image, sex, sexuality, spirituality, starting over, stress, women
The guy behind door number four found me on facebook recently. I’d been in hiding for over three months.
I couldn’t believe it. He was one of the reasons I changed my phone number this fall.
Most women in my situation would look at his modelesque pictures and be in disbelief.
Why, CrazySpiritChick, would you turn that away?
However, you have to understand the WHOLE picture.
Let’s use a stressful incident that occurred recently to illustrate my point.
As a holistic coach, I do my best to walk my talk-eating as healthy as I can, meditating, research, etc. I truly love and value whole, raw foods, so I searched out a small goat herd from the local 4-H office when I moved here a year ago.
I was SO excited to have this source of good, clean fresh goat milk each week. It was like finding a pot of gold.
Men are like this when it comes to an attractive woman of status. They will move mountains to get ahold of her, bend over backwards, smoothing over, cajoling, whatever it takes to keep her. Until something about her conflicts with one of his three ‘S’s. When something she does starts messing up his ‘mojo’, he has to start evaluating the situation, weighing if the ‘pain’ is worth the reward.
This is something we see quite frequently on today’s dating scene. In the beginning, we seem to hit if off so well, he seems really into you; but after a couple of dates he disappears.
Men HATE pain, which equates to a hard wired need for calm, which equates to security. That is why you hear sayings close to, “Rule #1. The woman is always right. Rule #2, if that doesn’t work, refer to Rule #1.” Or, “if momma isn’t happy, ain’t no body gonna be happy.” Men will do WHATEVER it takes to avoid conflict; whether it be on the first date, or later on in the marriage, especially if he is in love. That is why he will quietly find a way out of the situation; either by disappearing after a date that he felt went wrong, or acquiring a ‘fwb’ to help him survive a sexually frustrating marriage.
Status being the most important S(yes, it is, men are wired biologically to find the ‘best’ mate to enhance his lineage), when he finds one that looks like a winner, he will call, text, show up at your job with flowers, whatever it takes to get your attention, and then get you either a. into a committed relationship, or b. into a sexual relationship, until you the ‘mojo’ factor mentioned earlier comes into play.
So, back to the dairy lady…I paid her on the first of the month for the whole month, picked it up each week at her farm, wrote nice little notes on the money envelope, even making a special effort to pick the 1- 1/2 gallon of white gold on the day and time it was convenient for her.
Being around her is like walking on eggshells; I never know what kind of mood she will be in when I arrive each week, never know if there will be enough milk when I got there. One week one of the containers had ‘old milk’ in it, and I didn’t complain, left it there, just was 1/2 gallon I didn’t get. But, she is so high strung and likes to go on and on about all of her homeschool oriented achievements that I do my best to take whatever she leaves me as fast as I can and make do.
This is exactly what is happening to the men in your life. If you don’t tend to yourself, making sure you feel good about your body and your whole self as attractive, sexually and intellectually stimulating, then you don’t give off the energy of a calm, composed, collected catch.
Or, at first meet, and the first few dates, you may give off the personnae of this calm, happy chick, but then when you’ve assumed that the two of you are an item, then you start to make demands or expect treatment that you may not really have earned.
One day after finals I was able to get back home across two states at a different, earlier time than normal. Now, stupid me thought it would be a good idea to just show up while I was already on the highway and get the milk and then go straight home and relax. She had told me in the past that either Monday or Tuesday were OK, but no later. So, after a mentally strenuous, two hour landscape design exam, an hour and a half of driving up the mountain to get home, and then an extra 11 country miles of curvy driving, I end up at her house and walk up to the fridge to get the milk, and, lo and behold, there was only one gallon, exactly. What should I do?
(to be continued)