40 something, authenticity, consciousness, dating, empowerment, faith, flowers, fulfillment, happiness, health, holistic, hope, intuition, life coach, love, online dating single mom, peace, relationships, romance, self esteem, self help, self image, sex, soul mate, starting over, the one, Valentine's Day, women, writing
Valentine’s Day; hearts aflutter, tin-foil Cupids dangling from a string tacked to the ceiling, the wonder and anticipation of the anonymous gift left on your desk, the potential text from an old flame, the hope that someone will start a conversation on your online dating profile… …and then the anxiety and sadness that no one will.
Being single again, especially as a single mom, can be a difficult and trying time. The older we get, the slimmer the pickings from the ‘ole gene pool. We often long for a connection, the closeness of snuggling together on the couch, waking up with another’s arm around you, listening to the slow, comfortable breath of another beside you in the waning hours of night.
Being alone and feeling OK about it is quite difficult for some, especially for those for whom a past love has passed on, or the other’s feelings drastically changed after a long relationship. We long to find ways to patch up the hole quickly and easily. However, finding a fulfilling and rewarding relationship can be difficult at this time. When you are single, but wanting to be in a relationship more than anything, even if you are not currently having sex, it does not make you celibate. Your goal is to find another guy, preferably super hot, rich and totally into you so you can settle down and be happy together. The intention is to have sex; deliciously steamy, prolonged and erotic, as much of it as you can get. I am not blaming you, by any means; sex between two consenting, like-minded individuals is a dream come true in certain situations.
Whether you are in a committed relationship, or if you both are looking for a NSA, clear communication and honesty make all the difference. What messes most dating potential up is the lack thereof. I have shared quite a few of my personal past dating experiences with you in these posts, some of which I had to delete, as my occasional foray into the erotic side of humanity upset some poor soul who felt my blog was only for ‘mature’ audiences. Therefore, the best segments were deleted so that I could get full use of tags, etc. So, if you are new to this blog, you can’t see just how much I have enjoyed the single again life in that respect, at times.
On the other side of the coin is the strong desire to express unconditional love of my self by taking quiet time away from the noise and clutter of ‘needing’ a man, or ‘wanting’ this guy or that one due to his hot looks or his persuasive texts, or just craving some hot sex and to be held afterwards.
When I take time to separate myself from the confluxes of text messages from five different PD’s(potential dates) a day, pick up texts from younger guys looking for a ‘cougar’ or a ‘mother figure’, and come to peace with the fact that I am currently alone because I haven’t yet found a mate that meets or excels my current requirements, I can then come to a place of quiet surrender with my existence. This is complete free will, not self-imposed isolation, and can be revoked at any time. What is the value of this, you ask?
If you can take a ‘break’ from this almost addicting need to find the ‘other’, searching under every rock and around every corner in the hopes you will bump into him or her, you may find that there is deep and satisfying gratification in taking time to fully explore ways to develop past talents that were thrown to the side while you furthered your first love’s career, take up new hobbies that you would not have been brave enough to try because a past date didn’t ‘approve’ or ‘enjoy’, and actually start to prioritize and nurture self-development. When you can take a step back from the obsession to do something to be the ‘right’ one for an ‘ex’ or even a PD, you may actually begin to enjoy life more.
Time with friends become more precious, you find the beauty in things forgotten, and actually experience a deepening and acute awareness of your senses when they are aroused because you aren’t inundated with constant stimuli.
Take a little time to read books by any of the Tibetan monks, whom many of us thought didn’t feel or experience sensually. You would be quite surprised to read some of the more personal memoirs they give after being released from prison. They expressed just how more in tune they were with emotions and feeling, having deep experiences once they were freed from their torture and allowed to live freely.
Time to yourself is crucial if you wish to develop in a way that will draw a strong, mature catch to your net. It is difficult to get quiet and let your heart speak, especially if you are a survivor of deep trauma and/or abuse. However, you must go here if you wish to attract that special ‘other’. As long as you have open emotional wounds, other people will be drawn to you with the same issues, as well as predators who can feel those weaknesses, taking advantage of your needs because they will be hard to hide.
Taking a break to be celibate because you are not desperate to find a way to make each one you meet be the ‘one’allows you to take an interested distance in getting to know someone. There is no hurry, no reason to come off as ‘needy’. You don’t have to make the date work, don’t have to pretend to like someone that obviously isn’t a good match. You know there is plenty of time, and the right one is out there. No hurry. No push. Just go easy, and walk away if it doesn’t feel right.
Remind yourself that there are 100 more where that one came from; because there ARE.
As an aside – I love gardening; especially flowering plants of beauty. My husband would always bring me lovely bouquets of flowers on my birthday and Valentine’s because he appreciated this about me. Since his wrongful imprisonment, I have not received any flowers for over three years. I have a wonderful friend that’s like a sister to me; we have known each other over 19 years. She knew I was saddened by my struggle to have my husband released, and on my birthday, out of the blue, she sent me a bouquet of flowers. I was so taken aback that it made me cry.
Because of my choice to be celibate these past several months the flowers were like special creations of the finest Japanese silk; the roses tight and full of soft petals, the iridescence of the creamy white Asian lilies emanated the most decadent and lovely scent that I hadn’t smelled in a long time. It touched me to the core of my soul to receive this gift, more than she could know. It reminded me of happier times, peaceful and loving memories, and the love of a kind, dear friend who understands that being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.