The Difference between ‘single’ and ‘celibate’, and why it matters (even to guys)

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40 something, authenticity, consciousness, dating, empowerment, faith, flowers, fulfillment, happiness, health, holistic, hope, intuition, life coach, love, online dating single mom, peace, relationships, romance, self esteem, self help, self image, sex, soul mate, starting over, the one, Valentine's Day, women, writing

We’ve come a long way from the paper cut outs in elementary school, but the excitement is still there…

Valentine’s Day; hearts aflutter, tin-foil Cupids dangling from a string tacked to the ceiling, the wonder and anticipation of the anonymous gift left on your desk, the potential text from an old flame, the hope that someone will start a conversation on your online dating profile… …and then the anxiety and sadness that no one will.

Being single again, especially as a single mom, can be a difficult and trying time. The older we get, the slimmer the pickings from the ‘ole gene pool. We often long for a connection, the closeness of snuggling together on the couch, waking up with another’s arm around you, listening to the slow, comfortable breath of another beside you in the waning hours of night.

Being alone and feeling OK about it is quite difficult for some, especially for those for whom a past love has passed on, or the other’s feelings drastically changed after a long relationship. We long to find ways to patch up the hole quickly and easily. However, finding a fulfilling and rewarding relationship can be difficult at this time. When you are single, but wanting to be in a relationship more than anything, even if you are not currently having sex, it does not make you celibate. Your goal is to find another guy, preferably super hot, rich and totally into you so you can settle down and be happy together. The intention is to have sex; deliciously steamy, prolonged and erotic, as much of it as you can get. I am not blaming you, by any means; sex between two consenting, like-minded individuals is a dream come true in certain situations.

Whether you are in a committed relationship, or if you both are looking for a NSA, clear communication and honesty make all the difference. What messes most dating potential up is the lack thereof. I have shared quite a few of my personal past dating experiences with you in these posts, some of which I had to delete, as my occasional foray into the erotic side of humanity upset some poor soul who felt my blog was only for ‘mature’ audiences. Therefore, the best segments were deleted so that I could get full use of tags, etc. So, if you are new to this blog, you can’t see just how much I have enjoyed the single again life in that respect, at times.

On the other side of the coin is the strong desire to express unconditional love of my self by taking quiet time away from the noise and clutter of ‘needing’ a man, or ‘wanting’ this guy or that one due to his hot looks or his persuasive texts, or just craving some hot sex and to be held afterwards.

When I take time to separate myself from the confluxes of text messages from five different PD’s(potential dates) a day, pick up texts from younger guys looking for a ‘cougar’ or a ‘mother figure’, and come to peace with the fact that I am currently alone because I haven’t yet found a mate that meets or excels my current requirements, I can then come to a place of quiet surrender with my existence. This is complete free will, not self-imposed isolation, and can be revoked at any time. What is the value of this, you ask?

If you can take a ‘break’ from this almost addicting need to find the ‘other’, searching under every rock and around every corner in the hopes you will bump into him or her, you may find that there is deep and satisfying gratification in taking time to fully explore ways to develop past talents that were thrown to the side while you furthered your first love’s career, take up new hobbies that you would not have been brave enough to try because a past date didn’t ‘approve’ or ‘enjoy’, and actually start to prioritize and nurture self-development. When you can take a step back from the obsession to do something to  be the ‘right’ one for an ‘ex’ or even a PD, you may actually begin to enjoy life more.

Time with friends become more precious, you find the beauty in things forgotten, and actually experience a deepening and acute awareness of your senses when they are aroused because you aren’t inundated with constant stimuli.

Take a little time to read books by any of the Tibetan monks, whom many of us thought didn’t feel or experience sensually. You would be quite surprised to read some of the more personal memoirs they give after being released from prison. They expressed just how more in tune they were with emotions and feeling, having deep experiences once they were freed from their torture and allowed to live freely.

Time to yourself is crucial if you wish to develop in a way that will draw a strong, mature catch to your net. It is difficult to get quiet and let your heart speak, especially if you are a survivor of deep trauma and/or abuse. However, you must go here if you wish to attract that special ‘other’. As long as you have open emotional wounds, other people will be drawn to you with the same issues, as well as predators who can feel those  weaknesses, taking advantage of your needs because they will be hard to hide.

Taking a break to be celibate because  you are not desperate to find a way to make each one you meet be the ‘one’allows you to take an interested distance in getting to know someone. There is no hurry, no reason to come off as ‘needy’. You don’t have to make the date work, don’t have to pretend to like someone that obviously isn’t a good match. You know there is plenty of time, and the right one is out there. No hurry. No push. Just go easy, and walk away if it doesn’t feel right.

Remind yourself that there  are 100 more where that one came from; because there ARE.

As an aside – I love gardening; especially flowering  plants of beauty. My husband would always bring me lovely bouquets of flowers on my birthday and Valentine’s because he appreciated this about me. Since his wrongful imprisonment, I have not received any flowers for over three years. I have a wonderful friend that’s like a sister to me; we have known each other over 19 years. She knew I was saddened by my struggle to have my husband released, and on my birthday, out of the blue, she sent me a bouquet of flowers. I was so taken aback that it made me cry.

Because of my choice to be celibate these past several months the flowers were like special creations of the finest Japanese silk; the roses tight and full of soft petals, the iridescence of the creamy white Asian lilies emanated the most decadent and lovely scent that I hadn’t smelled in a long time. It touched me to the core of my soul to receive this gift, more than she could know. It reminded me of   happier times, peaceful and loving memories,  and the love of a kind, dear friend who understands that being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely.

 

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Women Connect the Dots (what really was behind Door #3)

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40 something, authenticity, calorie counting, Emotion, empowerment, happiness, holistic health, intuition, men, mental health, online dating single mom, People, relationship, relationships, sexuality, spiritual awareness, spirituality

I use driving time to think. Johnny Cash, Pink,

Linkin Park, Jason Aldean, AC/DC, Five Finger Death Punch and other greats

make it a little easier. I have been known to

go two or three hours in silent meditation, but

this was a -I-need-to-burn-up-a-few-neurons- kinda drive.

I need you to understand something. Really. I have read it before, more than once, but it never REALLY clicked for me until I got home from the date with the guy behind door #3.

Women base experience on other experiences, and categorize the experiences based on similar emotions. These files begin to fill up as we collect the emotions, thus building up different types of feelings that we internalize. This is our biggest downfall if we aren’t AWARE, but letting our damaged inner children drive the BIG PEOPLE BUS, (AKA the adult body).

What type of picture are your emotions creating?

Case in point – I have now experienced romantic situations of varying degrees with every sign in the zodiac, and feel that cancers and Capricorns, (maybe Sagittarius) men are the best match for my needs. (I promise I will write about this, eventually.) If another man comes along and sweeps me off of my feet, I will eat my words, but I doubt it.

Anyway,

I am going to see a man who is a cancer, and I know the traits that I LOVE are evident by the way he talks to me. Because he has a lot of these traits as my (ex) husband, I am experiencing feelings for this new man, C2 (Cancer man 2), which are really emotions and feelings that come from memories of my husband. I am letting these internalized feelings drive me to seek a relationship with a man for whom several Higher Self warning signs have gone off. C2 hasn’t actually done the actions yet that  EARN my trust. I am trusting him based on my past internalized emotions.

We meet and warning signs are going off left and right throughout the date, but because he was able to elicit the emotions from my internal feeling bank, I was letting that take the place of objectivity.

For example, I just met him, and he kissed me like he knew me, with authority and ownership, and then he asked for the keys to my car. (Something my husband would’ve done.) This man hadn’t earned the right to do these things, but because of past experiences with similar EMOTIONS, I was connecting the dots, but making a really bad picture, because my objectivity was not also being consulted.

And so the night commenced, and my emotions were smitten. He pulled me close, made me feel safe, kissed and touched me so passionately I was ready to take off my clothes in the parking lot. But, I did have it together enough to know I had to go home. So, I did, but it was very hard to leave.

So, I’m driving, and my Higher self/referee sits in the front seat.

“Ro, let’s review. 1. He is either homeless or living in the Ramada Inn. 2. He does not have a vehicle. 3. He does not really have a job, but could be a volunteer fireman.3. He is on some type of disability/ex military pension but his mom is probably his power of attorney due to PTSD from tours in Afghanistan/Iraq. 4. Yes, at one time, he was fully in charge of his facilities, but life events have taken their toll, and his baggage is more than you could possibly carry, along with your own. Just because he makes you feel good does not mean he can give you what you need. You decide.” Then she left me alone with the highway lights and Pink consoling, “just because you burn doesn’t mean your gonna die, ya gotta get up and try, try, try…”

The information came in small bits and pieces now; the excuses for why he didn’t have his truck, why we couldn’t go to his house but he had to stay with his cousin at the Ramada for the night, why he didn’t have quite enough money for dinner, etc.etc.  Using the Aware Self, I was able to objectively connect the dots, and the picture became clear. In time some of the excuses could have proven to be legit, I could nag and wheedle the truth out of him, but to what end? It was just too complicated of a mess for me to realistically handle, no matter how great the emotional response of my body to his. I know I have to walk away. Sigh.

During this past week, I closed my online account, because I was talking more to the men I was meeting as a counselor and spiritual advisor rather than date potential –  helping with word choices on their profiles, getting them to take better pictures and getting rid of others, and just giving overall advice. Once I talk to a man with my therapist hat on, the hat stays on with that man. There’s no going back. I cannot be a lover and a therapist. And you shouldn’t either. (I can be a lover and a friend, but that’s a whole other blog, and a BIG difference.)

We, as women,  connect the dots because it gives us richer experiences, and our emotional depth and internalization, when healthy, bonds us tighter and closer to our family and husbands.

However, if the body experiences abuse and ‘bad’ feelings from our male parental unit as a child, then we store those feelings in our men folders, and over time, we come to see that ‘picture’ as normal. When we do meet a ‘good’ man, the emotions he gives us are so different from that of the  perpetrator, that we are frightened off. This is why we keep getting in bad relationships.  Until you learn a new way to connect the dots, your picture will ALWAYS be distorted.

Stay with me, and we’ll look at how he views us, so we can make the picture stunning, even turn it into a beautiful painting of the two of you riding off into the sunset. Happy trails to you….