40 something, catching a man, dating, empowerment, fulfillment, happiness, life coach, love, men, online dating, pleasure, relationships, relaxation, self esteem, self help, sexual health, sexuality, starting over, women
A man needs, craves and demands an intense attraction to his partner of choice if he is going to be fulfilled; there’s no doubt about this. Never think that just because you had a dry-panting, heart pounding sweat session that he will become unwaveringly yours.
The opposite is in fact true.
If he doesn’t call you at every chance, drive for miles to see you, go out of his way to make you notice him, then chances are you are nothing more than an appetizer while he’s deciding on his main course.
You deserve better.
Men love to be teased, enticed, and thrilled with anticipation and vibrant physical encounters; but to win his heart you must also nurture, soothe and encourage.
Finding playful ways to draw him in are key; such as provocative texts that leave him breathless, being a little dirty and daring in public – spicing up his senses with exotic scents, a variety of fabric textures, a willingness to explore and try new things, be bold.
The secret is to also maintain a direct sense of self, maintaining your independence, a reassuring voice of authority that is neither critical or demeaning, while setting clear boundaries and concise lines of communication.
In order for men to feel secure ( a must-have to be a priority), it is crucial that he knows what’s expected of him. Use short, present tense action verbs, with sentences that clearly state how valuable he is when he ‘x’ – arrives a few minutes early, tells you what his favorite foods are, helps you cook the dinner, or washes the dishes afterwards, etc. Always start your request with a descriptive compliment that praises his abilities to make you feel safe, or valued, such as “I love the way your arms flex when you carry in the groceries or the trash, or vacuum or fold clothes” – whatever.
“It makes me feel so safe when you take out the trash at night, because I feel so vulnerable going down to the end of the parking lot, driveway, etc.” A man is hard-wired to be the sole provider, and his lover to be the nurturer – so find ways to ALLOW him to do so, even if you have the more demanding career, or don’t need his income.
With our ever-changing, uncertain economic future adding stress and complexity to finding joy and peace, it is essential that we become more creative and positive in our sexual relationships. Make it your responsibility to look for the gifts your PD(potential date) has been ready to lie at your feet, and praise and re-affirm his manliness and attractiveness by calling attention to them, even if you personally may be agitated by them at first. Paying attention to where PD spends most of time will clue you in to whether he is truly worth the time to catch, instead of just settling for the first one that comes along. Especially when you are re-entering the dating scene after a bitter past.
When a man has a hectic, extensive job, often the first thing he wants to do when he comes home is to lie in front of the t.v. Yes, it aggravates us, but try a different approach. Why not sit at the end of the couch, and pay him some type of physical attention that he enjoys, like a foot or facial massage?
A face or gentle head rub is a technique that I’ve found to be very relaxing, and will also make a man more receptive to your current need or want, ie. going out to dinner, help with looking over the bills, going out later with friends.
Gentle, firm and circular motions along the middle of the scalp, palms facing downward, cupping the sides of his head while your fingers gently work his scalp along the center of his entire head, top and back, finger tips touching, will relax and soothe the places where the plates in the skull touch. These often hold tension, and are very taut; immediately relaxing at firm, gentle touch. A man’s forehead and ears also benefit from being kneaded and massaged. He will be putty in your hands after a few minutes of a complete head, forehead and ear massage, and more willing to listen to your suggestions. And, make it that – just an opportunity to see old friends, get out for a little while, get tonight’s special at his favorite restaurant – remaining open to his right to decline. Whenever he feels he has a choice, he is usually more open to agreeing to something that you enjoy.
Give him a reason to want to do these things, mainly because you notice and appreciate them. A man has to feel needed, he has to be allowed to provide for you in order to be at ease with himself and the relationship.
If you need further suggestions for softening his resistance, let me know!